Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Sexy Granny Puts the Twinkle back in your Toes!

The sexy granny blog is always here for you and we are always ready to give advice!

"Life is short, break the rules, forgive sooner, love with true love ....

Laugh without control and always keep smiling .....

Maybe life is not the party that we were expecting, but in the mean time ...

We're here and we can still dance....."

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Sexy Granny - Lovemaking Tips by Wolfgang

These lovemaking tips were sent to the Sexy Granny Blog by my friend from Austria, Wolfgang ... I don't know if he has actual personal experience along these lines or not ....

Lovemaking Tips for Seniors

1. Sexy Seniors ... please wear your glasses to make sure your partner is really in the bed.

2. While attempting Seniors Sex, set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Twilight Sex ... set the mood with lighting ... turn the lights OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want ... the neighbors are deaf too ... oh MY!

9. Woo hoo ... if it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Wolfgang is such a crackup ... LOL!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Sexy Granny Blog - When I was YOUR Age ...

Sexy Granny blog remembers when ... You know, I think as we age that some of our memories become a bit hazy. In fact, sometimes I am not sure I it really happened or it was all a dream. Perhaps that is the 1960's kicking in? Kinda scary!

But all us sexy grannies out there know that we love a to tell a great story.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Sexy Granny - Weight Loss Tips

Sexy Granny Blog, as a public service, is providing you with the latest up to date calorie burning activities ... of course we all know that eating less is also an option to weight loss in addition to moderate exercise.

Calories Burned during S.E.X.

With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories

With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories

With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories

Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories

Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories

Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories

If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results are still pending

Calmly 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories

Results may vary!

Sexy grannies .. who knew that us sexy seniors would be having so much fun?

So take off your granny panties and participate in some "old lady sex" ... Woo Hooo!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Sexy Granny ... Does Size Matter, Let's Ask the Duck!

Sexy Granny Blog today takes on the "large" task discussing penis size ... settle down now, this is serious stuff ... LOL!

Humans, may not be endowed by nature with great physical abilities like powerful muscles or weaponry like fangs, claws, horns and so on, but there is one area where we excel ... sex!

I'm not talking about sexual activity because it has been proven the "dwarf chimpanzee" has more sex and much varied than the human being, but about penis size.

Man is the ape, the monkey and the primate with the biggest pee-pee of all!

Gorilla males, which dwarf humans in size, have tiny penises compared to ours, no thicker and longer than a pencil. Other apes do not reach even this size. In fact, in some African countries, saying that one is 'hung like a gorilla' is considered an insult.

That's about us, but which is the largest penis in nature?

Well, despite the huge size of penises in elephants and odd hoofed mammals like rhinos and horses, the biggest penis indeed belongs to the biggest animal ... the blue whale. The largest measured penis reached 8 feet ... see photo. Accurate measurements are difficult to be made because the whale's erect length can only be observed during mating and if you can just imagine trying to measure that bad boy, well, it shivers my timbers just to think about it.

Moreover, whales and dolphins have some control over their penises. They can move it and, to a certain degree, bend its tip to facilitate mating ... OH MY!

In relative terms, the title of Biggest Penis to Body ratio size belongs to ... a duck ... go figure ...

The Argentine Bluebill or Argentine Lake Duck. North American scientists have discovered the longest bird penis ever ... a 42.5cm organ belonging to a duck. Using an online conversion chart that comes out to over 16 inches ... my goodness be still my heart ...

Dr Kevin McCracken of the University of Alaska, Fairbanks, and colleagues, report in this week's Nature that they have found a specimen of the Argentine lake duck that has a penis longer than its body ... nearly half a meter long. This has extended an earlier estimate of the length of the duck's corkscrew-shaped penis, which was a mere 7.8 inches

What's crazy about this whole thing is that most birds do not even have a penis, except ostriches, ducks, geese and swans. The flaccid penis is coiled but fully erect is twice the size of the bird...

It would be like a human having a 12 feet penis ...

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Sexy Granny Blog - Beer Bong Tastie, Cheers!

The Sexy Granny blog knows that there is vital information out there concerning all sexy grannies. this may or may not be some of that info ... LOL!

83-year-old grandmother has a go with a beer bong ...

When 83-year-old New York-native Frances Levine could not attend her grandson’s graduation from the University a year ago, she made it a point to visit campus this year. “I try to visit all the colleges of my grandchildren,” Levine explains. With plans to visit her granddaughter, LSA sophomore Allie Levine, Frances’s son Murray Levine arranged for her to visit the University Nov. 12 and attend the Michigan football game against Indiana. As the Levine family made their way from Allie’s Delta Phi Epsilon sorority house to Michigan Stadium, Allie warned her grandmother about the party-heavy atmosphere and the drinking that goes on during a Football Saturday in Ann Arbor. Frances found out first-hand when her group stopped at 914 State St., the apartment building known for its three-story beer bong.

Many students were standing around the bong, a large funnel at the top, followed by nearly 30 feet of tubing. Few students were attempting the beer bong and those who did were getting drenched in beer. But Frances decided to give it a chance. “My mother got closer and closer and said ‘I think I’m going to give it a try,’ ” Murray said.

Frances said her family was baffled by her curiosity and interest in the college tradition. “They said, ‘You can’t do this!’ and I said ‘Why not?’ ”

Meanwhile, in apartment 301, Engineering seniors Tom Korycinski and Gary Ventimiglia, along with their friends, were manning the beer bong on the balcony. Korycinski and Ventimiglia, who live across the hall, had inherited the beer bong and the key to the empty apartment from the residents before them.

Murray asked one of the students controlling the beer bong if he would lend his coat to Frances so she would not get covered in beer like those who had gone before her. Frances requested that the guys put just a little beer in the bong. According to Korycinski, he usually uses two 16-ounce cups of beer for each person, but for Frances, he gave her just one 12-ounce beer.

When Frances started to do the beer bong, students in the vicinity erupted in excitement and enthusiasm. “They were yelling ‘Go, go, go, go, go!’ ” Murray said. “The guy with the jacket slapped her five and all,” Allie added.

Frances enjoyed herself just as much as those around her. “I loved it. I felt great. I felt young – not that I feel that old,” Frances said. She especially enjoyed the response she got from the students. “I loved the kids cheering me on.”

“On a day like that – to see her hit it was pretty amazing,” Korycinski said.

In fact, Frances became a bit of a local celebrity that day. After the game while she was waiting for Murray to get the car, she was immediately recognized by a group of guys. “They said, ‘you’re the woman who did the three-story beer bong!’ ” Frances recalled.

Frances said the best part of the entire experience was the enthusiasm and cheers of the students. “I love everything about the kids. I want them to drink less, but I guess that’s a little old fashioned.”

Well, all I have to say is Frances is a better woman than me ...

Friday, September 18, 2009

Sexy Granny Blog - Grannies Religous Experience

Sexy Granny Blog relates a religious experience!

I just received this from one of my dear friends. As all Sexy grannies know, it is very important to continue to drive ... that way you are able to keep your independence. My friends grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’ ‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ;

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Sexy Granny Blog Ponders the BIG Questions ..

The sexy granny blog understands about all you sexy seniors out there and wants you to consider the latest ...

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be . .GIVE ME A BREAK!

I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.

What it means to be a sexy granny ...

... the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

... we no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

... you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around..

... you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless

... you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen, honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too.'

... brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

... you look at your know-it-all, cellphone carrying teenager and think, 'For this I have stretch marks?'

... our memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

... Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally--more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin

... you become more reflective. You start pondering the 'big' questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

... brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

Smooches for all you sexy grannies out there!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sexy Granny Blog - Shake your Booty ...

Sexy Granny Blog. You know ladies sometimes you just want to get out there and shake your booty. Now that we are "of an age" we can go out and enjoy!


Friday, September 11, 2009

Sexy Granny Blog - Plan Your Orgy Carefully

The Sexy Granny Blog is here to offer tips and tricks about all things sexy .... Now, the British have never been know for a great sense of humor and here is the proof.

Seems like these sexy seniors had the right idea ... the scene was set ... candles, music and baby oil ... they just needed to be away from prying eyes ...

Perhaps if they had a few cups of tea things would have progressed quicker and they would have evaded discovery. Let's face it sexy grannies and grampa's sometimes need a little "kick start" to get going, but we aren't dead yet ... LOL!